if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
