I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You can't motorboat a personality
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
