I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
