she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
