On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It's like God shit irony all over that family
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Randomize
