My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
