I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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