I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
