I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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