He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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