Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
