My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
