I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
the day after is always just damage control
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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