So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
