i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
