Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
