im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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