I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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