Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
