I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
