maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
