Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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