I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
