Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
