I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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