I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Randomize
