So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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