I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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