Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
