dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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