my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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