I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I will die if light touches me.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
