Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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