that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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