You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
