i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
