No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
