you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
