You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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