Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
