Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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