I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
