I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
