hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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