I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
She's the barista slut.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
