i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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