turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
