You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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