I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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