My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
