Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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