Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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